Ever chucked out your entire personality with both hands? I need (ski) tips.
I last skiied eight years ago. Here's hoping it doesn't take me nine to get over that.
Eight years ago yesterday, I went skiing for the last time. Can I explain to you what that means? I grew up on the hometown hill. Scraped up gapers on patrol. Moved to Bozeman for the blue light on the Baxter. My happiest moments were on two planks. So were my cruddy ones. A heavy heart rests when you feel through your half-frozen feet instead.
I still think about skiing all the good goddamn time. When it snows. When it doesn’t. I’m always skiing in my head. Cuz I’m still a skier, right? Right?
Eight years. Some years this shitaversary doesn’t hit. This year it does. Dump truck of grief. Is there anything I can say, to make it mean something?
What rises is: gosh it’s giving has-been. It’s giving glory days. It’s giving give it a rest already.
Eight years is a third grader. Three subsequent college degrees. Eight years is creeping up on nearly a quarter of my life.
I don’t know how to let this go. Goodbye, huge chunk of self. Thank you for teaching me how to be the human I am, but it’s time to put you on an ice floe and push you out to the polar bears. We love you, but now is realer than then, and we need resources you’re hogging for the present. Besides, forward is a more interesting direction to grow.
Once upon a time, hundreds of tiny muscles would somehow orchestrate themselves into me dropping into the steep side of Laramie Bowl, without a trace of the hesitation and overthinking that I seem to have about everything else. Without any thought or effort, really. I didn’t do it by doing it. It was done to me, by years of lessons and practice and wipeouts. When the time came, I could let go and fly.
Eight years. All lessons and practice and wipeouts, too. Maybe they’re enough to let go and fly again. Here’s hoping.
Ah, chica. I grew up on the slopes of Alpental. Does this ever resonate. A bunch more losses helped push me past that one. May you find a less painful way through.
I see you. 💜